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Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
???~PTSD and child labor~???
I had another nightmare. I woke up in a cold sweat, breathing hard, shaking and scrambled to my baby's crib to do the "Is he still breathing?!" breath check. The nightmare wasn't about him...well not really...but anytime I have the slightest bad thought about anything I automatically make sure that he is still alright. My nightmare was about being in labor again. How stupid does that sound???
Let me start by saying that my child is a miracle to me. I had wanted a child for YEARS and had given up hope! About five years ago my doctor became alarmed by the fact that I hadn't been on birth control for ages and was not actively preventing pregnancy and hadn't gotten pregnant. Long story short she found out I wasn't ovulating and informed me that if I wanted to have children I would most likely need medical assistance. No matter how you cut it medical assistance costs money so I began to think I'd never have them. Then when I had centered my life around never having kids and taken on a business that required you to be completely consumed by it I was blessed. Funny how things work that way sometimes.
I used to have the nightmares pretty often right after he was born. They have eased up some. I haven't had one in a while until this one. I thought that a nightmare was all they were until I started telling a friend about them. She said, "Hun...It sounds like you have post traumatic stress." She's no doctor and neither am I but after I did some reading online I really think she may be right. I always thought PTSD was something that war veterans went through or people who were victims of horrendous crimes. Not someone who just had a really shitty child labor! I read about some women who had it SOOO much worse than I did! Some who years later still have physical issues from it. I don't have all that! But I had a pretty shitty labor too.
I went in to have my labor started for me 3 days before my son's due date. The doctor said that my cervix was "bad". If bad means not dialating then yeah, I guess it was being pretty naughty. He also said my blood pressure was up. Now, there are conflicting opinions on this issue involving blood pressure. The doctor said I was fine. My best friend (not the same friend from above) is convinced I had pre-eclampsia. I'm not really sure what to think about it but I'm leaning towards thinking she is right. She thinks this for the following reasons: during my pregnancy I had some really bad headaches. They were so bad that my vision would become fuzzy and I would see spots. One headache was so bad I apparently started talking gibberish and couldn't remember my spouse's name. I don't remember much about this particular headache. I only remember that it hurt. My mom and my man were pretty freaked out by it. If I hadn't fell asleep when I did... they were preparing to rush me to the emergency room. (The doctor said it was hormones.) Also, my last month of pregnancy I gained 12 lbs in two weeks. I'm pretty sure it was almost all water. I remember those last couple weeks my skin felt like it was going to burst at any moment ALL the time. I did everything I could to ease it. I obsessively put lotion on hoping it would ease the stretching feeling some. I know swelling isn't out of the ordinary. But once my son arrived you could see that even HE was swollen. He looked like a little baby sumo wrestler. One week after birth he looked like a normal newborn. Anyway, the doctor said my blood pressure was high and that was why we shouldn't wait for me to go on my own anymore and I needed to go to the hospital to force labor. We scheduled the hospital trip for several days later.
When I got to the hospital everything went normally. My blood pressure was fine according to the nurse there and we got the ball rolling. That night I received a softener so to speak and a sleeping pill which was lovely because I hadn't slept that good in months and still haven't slept that good since! In the morning they started my pitocin. Everything was great until that evening. By 5 pm I had reached 7 cm. I didn't want to look like a whiny girl so I was trying real hard to tough out the pain until I was further along. It was NOT in my plan to have an epidural free birthing experience. I just didn't want to be what I considered a weenie and start crying for one too early. (Karma WILL bite you in the ass for thinking other people should "tough it out a little more") But by 7 cm I was starting to get pretty snappy with my family and decided it was time for that epidural! When the anesthesiologist arrived he went to town and said I should feel relief. Which I did...a little. I told the nurses I was still feeling a lot of pain and after a bit longer the anesthesiologist was called again. It took him a little longer this time and once he was done he told me he hoped I began to feel some relief. He said my spinal column was "squishy" and he was afraid he might miss his target if he kept trying. This epidural did give me relief! Then my doctor came and told me that I had stopped progressing and had my water broken. He gave me a little longer and said if I didn't start progressing again that a C-section would be necessary. I did NOT want a C-section whatsoever and automatically began wishing I had decided not to go in until labor started on it's own! Maybe an hour later the doctor was back and informed me we couldn't wait any longer and that I was going to have that C-section. I admit I was beyond terrified. I had never had a major surgery before (Thank God!)
I cried...The nurse who was attending me started to cry too. Right before they took me off to surgery she hugged me and told me she wished I didn't have to have it too and just to think of the sweet little baby I would have soon. I wish I remembered her name. Her kindness and empathy meant a lot to me.
The C-section started out o.k. But somewhere along the lines of when they started cutting on me and when they began extracting my son the feeling to my lower half quickly returned. It was AWFUL!!! I've never felt pain like that in my life and I never want to feel pain that bad again! A different anesthesiologist was caring for me during the surgery. I looked at him as soon as I started to feel the pain and said "That hurts! I can feel that!" He asked me if I was sure.....(seriously???) YES! I was sure! I kept telling him it was hurting and he kept telling me to hold on for just another minute...just one more minute...He was so sorry but just to hold on just one more minute... After that things get fuzzy. I remember they told me to look at my baby and i said he has a lot of hair. Then they told me he was leaving and I told his father to go with him not to let him go alone and that was it...I woke up real late that night back in my room. When I talked to the doctor next he told me it was good that we went ahead and did the C-section because my son's head was really wedged in there. Once I finally got a look at my incision I found that it literally went from one hipbone to the other. No exaggerating. The doctor told me I had lost a lot of blood and that he was going to do some tests but that I may have to get blood. I didn't have the strength to stand up, couldn't walk, and was in a lot of pain.
I'm allergic to hydrocodone (I can't breath when I take anything with hydrocodone in it) I had never had to have much in the way of pain killers before and I just KNEW something else would work to ease the pain. So began a seemingly endless onslaught of drugs that I repeatedly was unable to tolerate. In the end, I was only able to take a slightly higher dose of Ibuprofen than your average person would take for a headache. I was in the hospital for only 6 days (that was an upside because I wanted to be home so badly.)
I also wound up receiving four units of blood. The poor nurse who had been caring for me during most of my pain killer fiasco also cared for me while I received the blood. I think she was extremely nervous about the blood I was receiving. I got real hot and woozy twice during it and she would stop the blood and run to call the doctor. He would make her come back and keep it going. She said he felt my need for the blood was more immediate. Whatever that means. Getting the blood took an entire day.
The breastfeeding specialist told me she thought it would be best if I let them bottle feed my son while I received the blood so that I could rest. I didn't like the idea but relented because they are professionals and to my way of thinking they always know what's best. I regret it sooooo much. That one day caused me grief for the next 6 months! Before I received the blood my son was nursing beautifully! From the first feeding he and I worked together like we both had been doing it forever! After that one day of bottle feeding in the nursery he wouldn't nurse me anymore. I had no less than 8 different nurses try to help get him to latch on and all failed. I even had the hospital specialist fail to get him to attach. On the 6th day when I went home she told us to go to the store and buy some breast shields on our way home. He nursed fine on the breast shield. For the next 6 months I struggled to get him to give up the breast shield. It wasn't anything horrible really. Just an inconvenience that any new mother could do without.
So anyway, that was my shitty child labor experience. It was a far cry from what I expected it to be. I had this stupid picture painted in my head of going to the hospital as late as possible, getting an epidural quickly, doing some heavy moaning and pushing and then holding my little miracle. I would get to go home in 48 hours and besides some slight tummy ache and walking bow legged for a few days everything would be hunky-dory! That was stupid of me. I know better now. I am whole and hale with no lasting problems and more importantly my little angel boy is as healthy and perfect as a child can be so I feel guilty about being such a tit about this.
I really want more children one day. I love being a Mom. Being a Mom is the greatest feeling and job in the world. It upsets me to think that this may be my only experience with it because I can't get over the birth! I mean if I was told that in order to keep my son I would have to go through all that all over again I wouldn't even blink before jumping into it. So why the nightmares???? It makes no sense to me.
And what do I do to get past it? Is it something that time will heal? I have heard that women forget the pain of childbirth because if they didn't no one would have more than one. Is this true? Will I seriously forget it and get passed it? I think I would feel loads better about it if I knew just ONE person that had an experience equally as crappy or even worse and then had their second birth be much better. I think if I had just the HOPE that it would be easier the second time around I wouldn't be so troubled by the first one. Or maybe this is just a higher powers way of telling me that I'm just not made for baby-making. That thought depresses me beyond words.
So in the end all I really know is if I ever get hurt badly or some sort of painful illness I'm REALLY screwed because I will just have to suffer through it. And I really need to find a way to get passed this because the very idea of it being a real mental issue bothers the hell out of me.
Let me start by saying that my child is a miracle to me. I had wanted a child for YEARS and had given up hope! About five years ago my doctor became alarmed by the fact that I hadn't been on birth control for ages and was not actively preventing pregnancy and hadn't gotten pregnant. Long story short she found out I wasn't ovulating and informed me that if I wanted to have children I would most likely need medical assistance. No matter how you cut it medical assistance costs money so I began to think I'd never have them. Then when I had centered my life around never having kids and taken on a business that required you to be completely consumed by it I was blessed. Funny how things work that way sometimes.
I used to have the nightmares pretty often right after he was born. They have eased up some. I haven't had one in a while until this one. I thought that a nightmare was all they were until I started telling a friend about them. She said, "Hun...It sounds like you have post traumatic stress." She's no doctor and neither am I but after I did some reading online I really think she may be right. I always thought PTSD was something that war veterans went through or people who were victims of horrendous crimes. Not someone who just had a really shitty child labor! I read about some women who had it SOOO much worse than I did! Some who years later still have physical issues from it. I don't have all that! But I had a pretty shitty labor too.
I went in to have my labor started for me 3 days before my son's due date. The doctor said that my cervix was "bad". If bad means not dialating then yeah, I guess it was being pretty naughty. He also said my blood pressure was up. Now, there are conflicting opinions on this issue involving blood pressure. The doctor said I was fine. My best friend (not the same friend from above) is convinced I had pre-eclampsia. I'm not really sure what to think about it but I'm leaning towards thinking she is right. She thinks this for the following reasons: during my pregnancy I had some really bad headaches. They were so bad that my vision would become fuzzy and I would see spots. One headache was so bad I apparently started talking gibberish and couldn't remember my spouse's name. I don't remember much about this particular headache. I only remember that it hurt. My mom and my man were pretty freaked out by it. If I hadn't fell asleep when I did... they were preparing to rush me to the emergency room. (The doctor said it was hormones.) Also, my last month of pregnancy I gained 12 lbs in two weeks. I'm pretty sure it was almost all water. I remember those last couple weeks my skin felt like it was going to burst at any moment ALL the time. I did everything I could to ease it. I obsessively put lotion on hoping it would ease the stretching feeling some. I know swelling isn't out of the ordinary. But once my son arrived you could see that even HE was swollen. He looked like a little baby sumo wrestler. One week after birth he looked like a normal newborn. Anyway, the doctor said my blood pressure was high and that was why we shouldn't wait for me to go on my own anymore and I needed to go to the hospital to force labor. We scheduled the hospital trip for several days later.
When I got to the hospital everything went normally. My blood pressure was fine according to the nurse there and we got the ball rolling. That night I received a softener so to speak and a sleeping pill which was lovely because I hadn't slept that good in months and still haven't slept that good since! In the morning they started my pitocin. Everything was great until that evening. By 5 pm I had reached 7 cm. I didn't want to look like a whiny girl so I was trying real hard to tough out the pain until I was further along. It was NOT in my plan to have an epidural free birthing experience. I just didn't want to be what I considered a weenie and start crying for one too early. (Karma WILL bite you in the ass for thinking other people should "tough it out a little more") But by 7 cm I was starting to get pretty snappy with my family and decided it was time for that epidural! When the anesthesiologist arrived he went to town and said I should feel relief. Which I did...a little. I told the nurses I was still feeling a lot of pain and after a bit longer the anesthesiologist was called again. It took him a little longer this time and once he was done he told me he hoped I began to feel some relief. He said my spinal column was "squishy" and he was afraid he might miss his target if he kept trying. This epidural did give me relief! Then my doctor came and told me that I had stopped progressing and had my water broken. He gave me a little longer and said if I didn't start progressing again that a C-section would be necessary. I did NOT want a C-section whatsoever and automatically began wishing I had decided not to go in until labor started on it's own! Maybe an hour later the doctor was back and informed me we couldn't wait any longer and that I was going to have that C-section. I admit I was beyond terrified. I had never had a major surgery before (Thank God!)
I cried...The nurse who was attending me started to cry too. Right before they took me off to surgery she hugged me and told me she wished I didn't have to have it too and just to think of the sweet little baby I would have soon. I wish I remembered her name. Her kindness and empathy meant a lot to me.
The C-section started out o.k. But somewhere along the lines of when they started cutting on me and when they began extracting my son the feeling to my lower half quickly returned. It was AWFUL!!! I've never felt pain like that in my life and I never want to feel pain that bad again! A different anesthesiologist was caring for me during the surgery. I looked at him as soon as I started to feel the pain and said "That hurts! I can feel that!" He asked me if I was sure.....(seriously???) YES! I was sure! I kept telling him it was hurting and he kept telling me to hold on for just another minute...just one more minute...He was so sorry but just to hold on just one more minute... After that things get fuzzy. I remember they told me to look at my baby and i said he has a lot of hair. Then they told me he was leaving and I told his father to go with him not to let him go alone and that was it...I woke up real late that night back in my room. When I talked to the doctor next he told me it was good that we went ahead and did the C-section because my son's head was really wedged in there. Once I finally got a look at my incision I found that it literally went from one hipbone to the other. No exaggerating. The doctor told me I had lost a lot of blood and that he was going to do some tests but that I may have to get blood. I didn't have the strength to stand up, couldn't walk, and was in a lot of pain.
I'm allergic to hydrocodone (I can't breath when I take anything with hydrocodone in it) I had never had to have much in the way of pain killers before and I just KNEW something else would work to ease the pain. So began a seemingly endless onslaught of drugs that I repeatedly was unable to tolerate. In the end, I was only able to take a slightly higher dose of Ibuprofen than your average person would take for a headache. I was in the hospital for only 6 days (that was an upside because I wanted to be home so badly.)
I also wound up receiving four units of blood. The poor nurse who had been caring for me during most of my pain killer fiasco also cared for me while I received the blood. I think she was extremely nervous about the blood I was receiving. I got real hot and woozy twice during it and she would stop the blood and run to call the doctor. He would make her come back and keep it going. She said he felt my need for the blood was more immediate. Whatever that means. Getting the blood took an entire day.
The breastfeeding specialist told me she thought it would be best if I let them bottle feed my son while I received the blood so that I could rest. I didn't like the idea but relented because they are professionals and to my way of thinking they always know what's best. I regret it sooooo much. That one day caused me grief for the next 6 months! Before I received the blood my son was nursing beautifully! From the first feeding he and I worked together like we both had been doing it forever! After that one day of bottle feeding in the nursery he wouldn't nurse me anymore. I had no less than 8 different nurses try to help get him to latch on and all failed. I even had the hospital specialist fail to get him to attach. On the 6th day when I went home she told us to go to the store and buy some breast shields on our way home. He nursed fine on the breast shield. For the next 6 months I struggled to get him to give up the breast shield. It wasn't anything horrible really. Just an inconvenience that any new mother could do without.
So anyway, that was my shitty child labor experience. It was a far cry from what I expected it to be. I had this stupid picture painted in my head of going to the hospital as late as possible, getting an epidural quickly, doing some heavy moaning and pushing and then holding my little miracle. I would get to go home in 48 hours and besides some slight tummy ache and walking bow legged for a few days everything would be hunky-dory! That was stupid of me. I know better now. I am whole and hale with no lasting problems and more importantly my little angel boy is as healthy and perfect as a child can be so I feel guilty about being such a tit about this.
I really want more children one day. I love being a Mom. Being a Mom is the greatest feeling and job in the world. It upsets me to think that this may be my only experience with it because I can't get over the birth! I mean if I was told that in order to keep my son I would have to go through all that all over again I wouldn't even blink before jumping into it. So why the nightmares???? It makes no sense to me.
And what do I do to get past it? Is it something that time will heal? I have heard that women forget the pain of childbirth because if they didn't no one would have more than one. Is this true? Will I seriously forget it and get passed it? I think I would feel loads better about it if I knew just ONE person that had an experience equally as crappy or even worse and then had their second birth be much better. I think if I had just the HOPE that it would be easier the second time around I wouldn't be so troubled by the first one. Or maybe this is just a higher powers way of telling me that I'm just not made for baby-making. That thought depresses me beyond words.
So in the end all I really know is if I ever get hurt badly or some sort of painful illness I'm REALLY screwed because I will just have to suffer through it. And I really need to find a way to get passed this because the very idea of it being a real mental issue bothers the hell out of me.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Grammar Nazi's beware!! You have reached HELL!
Going back to school is going to be a NIGHTMARE!! If you haven't noticed yet I'm horrible with grammar. I can only say that most of the time my spelling will be should be correct. As for punctuation well...you can try to fix me but I guarantee it will be fruitless. If you don't like it go somewhere else because I really don't care.
So I never really went to college. Well, not unless you count one college art class that was my mother's largely vain attempt to get her teenage daughter to do something with herself as going to college. She hoped I'd like it and stick with it. I don't count it but whatever...
If it wasn't for my son I can honestly say I would never have really tried going to college. Since his birth everyday I look at him and wan't so badly to give him EVERYthing the world has to offer. I never want him to need for anything. Wanting things...well...I don't want him to be a brat either. But, as of right now I can't give him even little luxuries.
With me not working there's moments we can just barely give him the things he needs. It's a scary situation. I could stick him in some form of government aided daycare and go back to work. BUT I've heard so many horror stories about daycares that I'd rather cut off my foot than take my miracle to one of those places. I know that not all daycare is bad. I went to daycare as a kid and other than being forced to eat nasty cold food and cheese puffs (I hate cheese puffs) my experience was completely uneventful. And I know that at some point I will have no choice but to go to work and he will have to stay at an afterschool daycare at the very least. (I'm cringing inside as I type.) Oh Geez!Stay calm! I will just cross that bridge when we get there! Am I a freak? Probably. I wanted this little guy so SO badly! I think it's understandable that I would be an over protective weirdo over my one and only.
My heart goes out to all the mother's out there who have to take their children to daycare because they have no choice. I can only imagine how hard it must be and I respect working mom's SO much. My own Mom was a single mother with two children. She worked and went to school full time. She struggled and worked hard and life is better for us. She is the best Mom that ever lived. I wish I was and want to be just like her. And so, I go to school.
They really could make it easier. At least to get started! Ive never done any of this before and I am CLUELESS...(Obviously)...I have this feeling of being a decapitated chicken in a virtual world. Look at this site, then this page, then click this link which takes you here, then back to this site again which leads you off in some other insane direction. Three hours later you are just slightly better off than you were to begin with. I searched the schools website for help and found a checklist so that helped a teensy weensy bit. I applied for my FAFSA months ago. That's the ONLY thing I knew I had to to do. It turns out that I never received my email stating that I had to go through a verification process and turn in a transcript from the IRS. I'm learning all this only 8 days before I have to register for my classes. UGH! No one ever mentioned it to me during any of the testing I took. The counselors I spoke to about what classes to take and what steps I had made towards getting there never said anything. I don't know what I thought either. That the magic grant fairy just poofed itself at my side the day my fees were due? I will never claim to be a smart person I just hope not to be a complete idiot. I don't think I'm doing to good on that at the moment. I'm praying this won't keep me from enrolling for the next term. Man would that suck!
So I never really went to college. Well, not unless you count one college art class that was my mother's largely vain attempt to get her teenage daughter to do something with herself as going to college. She hoped I'd like it and stick with it. I don't count it but whatever...
If it wasn't for my son I can honestly say I would never have really tried going to college. Since his birth everyday I look at him and wan't so badly to give him EVERYthing the world has to offer. I never want him to need for anything. Wanting things...well...I don't want him to be a brat either. But, as of right now I can't give him even little luxuries.
With me not working there's moments we can just barely give him the things he needs. It's a scary situation. I could stick him in some form of government aided daycare and go back to work. BUT I've heard so many horror stories about daycares that I'd rather cut off my foot than take my miracle to one of those places. I know that not all daycare is bad. I went to daycare as a kid and other than being forced to eat nasty cold food and cheese puffs (I hate cheese puffs) my experience was completely uneventful. And I know that at some point I will have no choice but to go to work and he will have to stay at an afterschool daycare at the very least. (I'm cringing inside as I type.) Oh Geez!Stay calm! I will just cross that bridge when we get there! Am I a freak? Probably. I wanted this little guy so SO badly! I think it's understandable that I would be an over protective weirdo over my one and only.
My heart goes out to all the mother's out there who have to take their children to daycare because they have no choice. I can only imagine how hard it must be and I respect working mom's SO much. My own Mom was a single mother with two children. She worked and went to school full time. She struggled and worked hard and life is better for us. She is the best Mom that ever lived. I wish I was and want to be just like her. And so, I go to school.
They really could make it easier. At least to get started! Ive never done any of this before and I am CLUELESS...(Obviously)...I have this feeling of being a decapitated chicken in a virtual world. Look at this site, then this page, then click this link which takes you here, then back to this site again which leads you off in some other insane direction. Three hours later you are just slightly better off than you were to begin with. I searched the schools website for help and found a checklist so that helped a teensy weensy bit. I applied for my FAFSA months ago. That's the ONLY thing I knew I had to to do. It turns out that I never received my email stating that I had to go through a verification process and turn in a transcript from the IRS. I'm learning all this only 8 days before I have to register for my classes. UGH! No one ever mentioned it to me during any of the testing I took. The counselors I spoke to about what classes to take and what steps I had made towards getting there never said anything. I don't know what I thought either. That the magic grant fairy just poofed itself at my side the day my fees were due? I will never claim to be a smart person I just hope not to be a complete idiot. I don't think I'm doing to good on that at the moment. I'm praying this won't keep me from enrolling for the next term. Man would that suck!
Monday, November 5, 2012
A Start to Things
To be honest, I would much prefer to write my thoughts, interests, and opinions in a cute little private journal. A book that when I write down something completely stupid or crazy (and I inevitably will) I could just put that book aside or throw it away, start anew and NO ONE KNOWS. There's something about putting it all out there on the internet just feels wrong. Just to start there are so many freaky predators out in the vast emptiness that is the web! You make just one off-hand comment about where you live and some weirdo takes a shine to you and who knows what could happen!
But I decided to give this a try for 2 reasons. 1) I have always wondered what other people think of things. If my way of thinking on this or that was completely insane,. Not that it matters really but a bias-free opinion can shed SO much light on things sometimes. 2) My infant son takes his naps lying on me and it's just so much easier to type with one hand than it is to hold open a book, hold down pages, AND write all at the same time.
I think this blog will be about the world revolving around ME (so basically a blog about my son) but who knows! It may end up being a blog dedicated to something totally random like false eyelashes or something. I may mess with this blog for three days and decided it's completely not for me!
But I decided to give this a try for 2 reasons. 1) I have always wondered what other people think of things. If my way of thinking on this or that was completely insane,. Not that it matters really but a bias-free opinion can shed SO much light on things sometimes. 2) My infant son takes his naps lying on me and it's just so much easier to type with one hand than it is to hold open a book, hold down pages, AND write all at the same time.
I think this blog will be about the world revolving around ME (so basically a blog about my son) but who knows! It may end up being a blog dedicated to something totally random like false eyelashes or something. I may mess with this blog for three days and decided it's completely not for me!
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